Why I Am Doing This

I have known for a while now that I needed to start doing something. My life is stuck. I pick the word stuck because that really is the best word to describe what my life has become. There is not an area that I am not just simply stuck. I am going on about four years of doing nothing, and I really do mean nothing.

Until about two weeks ago a typical day for me went like this. I got up. I pulled my hair back at the nap of my neck, without brushing it. I put on coffee, I smoked a cigarette. I poured a cup of coffee and then sat down in front of my laptop and stayed there until I had to make dinner for my husband, and there was months on end where I did not even do this simple task. I played an online game, watched youtube, and general did nothing all day every day.

I went years without even really cleaning my house. The dust had gotten so thick and widespread that it was all across my celling and parts of the floor had turned black from it. Dishes got done only when I had no other choice, I did manage to wash cloths that sat unfolding in baskets for months on end or until they got worn and washed again. My whole house smelled horrible, it was a mix of dirt, rotting food, and death.

I have also cut myself off from everyone. I have no friends, and only talk to my husband and daughter when they talk to me. I love them both with all that I have, but I don’t know how to not live inside of my head anymore. I am not sure how to maintain healthy give and take relationships, because in the end I have only been taking.

I have gained hundreds of pounds at this point. I have gotten so big that it hurts to just walk from one room to the next. I am always in pain and nothing seems to help it. It hurts to lie down, it hurts to sit down, it hurts to stand. I hate the way I look.

I am thirty-six years old, and if I do not do this, if I do not get moving, relearn how to live, I will die. I am not scared of death, and in some ways the past few years have been my way of slowly killing me in the most horrible painful way I was brave enough to try. My daughter, my husband deserves better. So I have to start. I have to do something…anything.

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